A Fooled Heart

As I was doing some catching up with people (via Facebook stocking) I began to think about how to serve people this Christmas. I recently read a blog post by Jen Hatmaker (The Christmas Conundrum) that really got me thinking.  A lot of it made me go, “Yeah. That’s what Christmas should be like. That’s how my heart should be. That’s what we should all do. YEAH!!!”. The thing is, the day before I read this I did my “Christmas shopping” and spent like 2 hours or more looking over the place to get things for folks. I got several things for several people. After checking out I felt a bit of pride about what I was doing. “I’m getting so and so this gift. They’ll be so glad I thought of them.”. Quickly this endeavor to “serve” people became something I would enjoy more so then the people I would give the gifts to. I got caught up in the fact that this year I had the funds to do something for people when last year I could hardly do anything for anyone.

My heart deceived me friends. The American Christmas spirit fooled me. It became more of an adventure about getting gifts. Tonight I looked through the bag of things I purchased. One after another I said, “I did that for me. I did that for me. I thought a good laugh would come out of that.”. My heart was out to serve itself. I’m going to make some returns soon and I’ll do something I believe the Spirit and the folks who would have received my selfish gifts would be more excited about. This is a very hard step for me but I know it will honor God. He is the one my soul longs to worship.

Adam Fox and I had an encouraging conversation while having lunch in Taco Bell today. What he and I had discussed will be the playground in which we worship Jesus for this Christmas season. Thank you for your heart and sharing with me your thoughts, Adam. Truly grateful for the part you play in my sanctification. Our discussion today will also overlap into our City Group. Our City Group will have an opportunity that we will together act on to serve people in our city. This is pleasing to my soul and it will be to Jesus. Sorry for the lack of details but for the sake of not worshiping ourselves, the details will be left out of this post.

What has Jesus done in your heart this Christmas season to change the way you think in how to worship Him?

Lent: Self-Gain, Tradition or Heart Tuning?

To be honest I have never participated or been drawn to the idea of Lent. Well, until now that is.

The former statement is because of all the things I have seen it as in my home town in particular. Those who participated in it were mostly doing it to either draw attention to themselves (righteousness through religious traditional obligation) so others could see their ‘sacrifice’ of meat. Others would use it as a diet plan/saving money plan. If I decide to not eat fast food, work out, and not take so many trips to the grocery store by the end I’ll have saved X amount of dollars, have a more fit body, and I can buy that TV I always wanted! It’s a “Win. Win. Win” as Michael off the office would say. As I recently discovered, the day before Ash Wednesday is ‘Fat Tuesday’ where you dive into as much as you can and party it up until you ‘sacrifice’ out of tradition. The whole idea of Lent from my observation of people is just another hypocritical thing you do which pushes people away from the Gospel. I’ve been a cynic of a lot of traditions of the church and this one is no exception.

As of now though I’m actually quite intrigued behind the idea of Lent and true roots it has concerning the heart. The reason I’m interested now is because my church (Midtown Community Church) is observing it and I want to partake in what the church is behind and believes to be good for heart tuning that directs us to God. I’m kind of fascinated by the whole concept. Its beginnings. What the true purpose is. How we can use an ancient (to me anyways) tradition to stir our hearts toward God. I knew mostly nothing about it before a couple weeks ago and I wouldn’t say I know an awful lot now but I have in mind what the true meaning of Lent is about: repentance, faith, and looking ahead to the death that Jesus died but knowing very well that “the darkness did not overcome the light.” To me it isn’t a show. A time where we can point to ourselves and say “Look what I’m doing!”

Some of you may be wondering “Well how are you going to participate then?” My thought, purpose, and goal of Lent for me is to do something that makes me draw closer to God rather then closer to my checkbook, materials, food, or myself. That I can reflect and look toward the day that we remember as Christ’s death on the cross knowing full well it was my sin placed upon Him but embracing that He was resurrected and that I will one day be raised as Christ was! My truest attempt is that it will not end on April 24th but that it will be something I apply to my heart everyday that I’m a believer. Not for a tradition for tradition’s sake.

This is not the whole of Lent but I do believe repentance, faith and Christ are the center of the message. What are your thoughts as you look at Lent or participate in it?

Devastated Heart

My heart is devastated when i can’t do something. Idol! When I can’t finish something my heart is devastated. Idol! When I am actively pursuing something out of passion, conviction, or optimism and things tend to err (perceived or otherwise) my heart is devastated. Idol! When I fail to follow the rules my heart is devastated. Idol! When I can’t meet my expectations or the expectations I “think” others have of me my heart is devastated. Idol! When I think I serve better then others. Idol! When I think someone should do things out of what I think is best. Idol! When I hold academic success higher then my actual discipleship. Idol! When I think letting people down is not an option (so others can continue to view me as “good” or “perfect” or a “great” guy). Idol! Setting lofty goals out of insecurity that others would think I’m not lazy and lousy. Idol!

Truthfully there are even more idols and possibly ones that dig deeper into my heart then I know. Two Psalms come to mind off the top of my head about these things. One I feel closely relates to my heart reaction when I focus on my failures or disbelief that I’ve had success in something.

Psalm 13

[13:1] How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me?  [2] How long must I take counsel in my soul and have sorrow in my heart all the day? How long shall my enemy be exalted over me?  [3] Consider and answer me, O LORD my God; light up my eyes, lest I sleep the sleep of death,  [4] lest my enemy say, “I have prevailed over him,” lest my foes rejoice because I am shaken. (What I want my heart to turn to quickly) [5] But I have trusted in your steadfast love; my heart shall rejoice in your salvation.  [6] I will sing to the LORD, because he has dealt bountifully with me. (Psalm 13 ESV)

The next Psalm is something I want to point my life after completely.

Psalm 131

[131:1] O LORD, my heart is not lifted up; my eyes are not raised too high; I do not occupy myself with things too great and too marvelous for me.  [2] But I have calmed and quieted my soul, like a weaned child with its mother; like a weaned child is my soul within me.  [3] O Israel, hope in the LORD from this time forth and forevermore. (Psalm 131 ESV)

Friends I ask that you pray for me that my confidence be in the Lord Jesus who has already saved me from captivity. That I would be reminded that rating my life with “success” and “failure” will drive me to either think highly of myself or sulk in self-loathing. That I believe Jesus will fully give me rest. Pray that I would keep my eyes on Him. Pray that Jesus be my comfort and not people. Pray that my prayer to myself will be “My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.” (Psalm 73:26 ESV) Pray that I would seek after Jesus like He is that great pearl in the field that I would give up everything for because I have found something more valuable then the rest of this world. That I would remember (by action and not mere words) that I have been made new by the life, work, death, and resurrection of Jesus!

How the Wind Changes

January 25th of 2010, I began to cut myself on both of my arms. 10 times on the inner forearms and 5 times on the outer forearms. Why 30 times? I don’t know… Most of all the details have faded just like the scars. All I wanted to do was punish myself… Punish myself for what wrongs I had/were committing to God. He was not so I thought I better do it then. I sat in my car outside my pastor’s home; I guess waiting for something. I was like a drone. Staring out my window without movement for at least an hour. My pastor, Adam, was driving by to go pick up his daughter, Honor, from school that day. He got me in his truck to go pick her up then I dropped the bomb and showed him my still bleeding arms… He stopped the truck, called his wife (Courtney) to have her pick up Honor, then we sat in the truck on the side of the road for over an hour talking about the situation. This was, by the grace of the Most Holy God, not my defining moment, but… it has been a long road of recovery since then.

Through the course of most of the summer I was struck with insomnia, which did not help my over analyzing despairing self. I don’t know how many days I thought, “If I just throw myself out this window? I wonder if I could get mugged and shot? What if I slip and fall in front of this car? Maybe I can just drive a little faster around this turn and lose control? Shoving this blade into my throat might do it?” These were all phrases from a young man who could not find hope, security, energy, satisfaction, or joy in this life… All that he had done or thought he might do was lost as his mind. Anger and bitterness began to fill the spaces of my heart. All I wanted to do was get out from where I was, MIDTOWN! I was convinced that my environment had changed me in such a way that I could not find hope. I thought I might commit myself to some “nut house”, move where no one knew me, or move back to STL and be a bum. It did not matter that I had a church community that was willing to go however far needed to address my situation and love me. The new relationships that I had built were beginning to blow away like chaff because I could not see Jesus! All I wanted was a fresh start again…

I met with my pastor a couple times at this point to tell him that I was hi-tailing it out of KC and moving back to STL. The third time came 2 weeks after one of my best friend’s wedding (Ben, Oct. 23). Up to the wedding I was so homesick and thought for sure that by weekend’s end I would be waiting until Jan. 1st, 2011 to move on back to STL. Something came over me during the reception and all I felt was absolutely alone. I kept thinking, “why come back? Everyone has their own new life, John. Where do you really fit in all of that? You are just a single guy who can’t seem to work out anything in his life.” I left STL in utter despair. I for the life of me could not talk to God for 2 weeks even though I had tried… I do remember forcing so hard to utter the words, “Help me!” but that was all I could find words for. Even after all of that I still told Adam on one of our regular meeting times that I was going back home and nothing would change that.

The next day I called my Dad and Ben to talk to them about how utterly afraid I was. How I actually really liked it in Midtown. Loved my Church. Felt settled in my job. How I had an opportunity as an NGL (Next Generation Leader). How I was finding ways to hate KC so I could come home and be with my family and friends in STL again… I was afraid to move on. I was afraid to fall short in people’s lives. I was afraid to not be enough as a leader. To not be enough as a friend. I was afraid that I had no control. BINGO! After those conversations which were 3 hours combined, I could speak to God again as an adopted child. I sent Adam a lengthy text late that night (a week or so before Thanksgiving I think) telling him that I was staying.

The wind had finally changed. My new start began when I had made it fully open about my fears to people and to God. The theme since then has been, “God. Help me to trust you more.” I wonder if that had been the case 1 year ago if anything would have been different… It doesn’t matter actually. All that matters is that I know that my name is written in heaven. That I know that my Savior is greater then all my shame. That all things are under His sovereignty and control. That God is good!

Reflection

I cannot help but think about how God has loved me so… I have nothing to offer. No amount of goodness or work to bring to the table that makes me right with Him. Yet while I was still a sinner, Christ incarnated Himself into the flesh of man, died for me, and adopted me as a child! Its surreal. I mean, I did nothing for Him but He has done and continues to do everything for me. All I’ve been able to think about lately is not “Why am I still around” but “How God can I bless how you have blessed?” I know I’ll never spiritually redeem someone, physically heal, take away someone’s most painful memories but I can be someone who weeps with those who weep; rejoice with those who rejoice. I can be a light because Christ has made a temple of worship in the inner parts of my mind, heart, and soul. Not that I’ve always lived up to that full capacity… but I do know its there and that I want to do that more then ever! I live for Him and love Him because He in His humility and service became like me, taking upon Him my sin, called me friend, and laid His life down for me. So, Lord in your power and mercy grant me belief that I can be a blessing to this world by keeping my eyes on You!

A Psalm

How long will I look away from You?

How long will I run to corners of my dark and desolate heart?

My God You are good!

Your death means life for me.

Lord, my deeds are so bad but Your mercy lasts forever!

I am jacked up but You are Redeemer.

I am depressed but You are my anti-depressant.

I am a sheep that has gone astray but You sought me out.

I have prostituted my body, mind, and heart, yet You call me beloved.

My fear is great but You are greater.

I know not what my future holds but You do and You have it in Your hands.

I am a man of insecurity but Your power and ability has no bounds.

You, oh God, have a kingdom and You have adopted me into it.

Lord, I say thank you with my lips but my heart is far from You.

Remind me, Father! Remind me that Your light indwells within the inner parts of my mind.

Lord, I am desperate! I am desperate for Your touch.

I am poor and needy.

You are my prize and need.

I am in need of Your mercy.

You, Jesus, are my only hope. May I not despair of You.

Praise! Praise! Praise to the King!

Where is… Part 3: Death to John Barnes

I was attempting to give you this really long train ride through where I’m at but I’ve decided it is not worth putting together in this way. There is too much that changes day by day in how I perceive where I’ve been, where God has placed me, and how God has used my toxic heart to refine me to be more dependent on Him as my Father, my Savior, and my King!

I am simply a young man finding his way to becoming a godly man by not “nutting up” but slaying my self by becoming weak… Bleeding for Jesus. Putting myself in position to receive wounds/scars from bearing the Gospel. Becoming that like a drink offering to the Lord. Long lasting commitment to not only gaining knowledge and wisdom from men following Christ (feeding…being sharpened by men) but giving myself over to a Church body until they say, “Go there to serve!” Sounds easy when put into words but it will take everything that is not me to accomplish something such as this. This is something that is too marvelous for me and I lay it at the cross where not only Christ died but where I died as well.

Pray for my confidence in the Gospel of Jesus Christ. Pray for my battle to fend off my “strength”. Pray that I would relent to knowing that I am weak and in need of God being the strength of my heart. Pray that I would not give in to my perceived depression/anxiety. Pray that I would act on faith rather then calculation. Pray that I would not lean on activity as my hope. Pray that I would love fiercely. With all that, pray that I would have joy through it all!

Where is… Part 2: Church

A few months back I went to mini-conference called Man Up 2010 in Columbia on Mizzou’s campus. The purpose of this 1 day event was not to get a bunch of guys together to “nut up” but to look up to Christ as the “Man who is up” and taking side seat to Him. 1 out of the 4 main sessions, Kevin Larson who is the lead Pastor of Karis Church in Columbia, spoke on For the Church. In his presentation he explained that we as followers and believers in Christ Jesus often claim to love the church but never commit to it. Kevin then followed that statement up with an article from 9 Marks called “Stop Test Driving Your Girlfriend”. Here’s a clip of that.

“How do I know if she’s the one?”

I can’t think of a question I encounter more often among single Christian men. The point of the question is clear enough. But a rich irony dwells beneath the question. In a culture that allows us to choose the person we’re going to marry, no one wants to make the wrong choice. Especially if, as Christians, we understand that the choice we make is a choice for life.

The question is not merely ironic. If what you’re after is a marriage that will glorify God and produce real joy for you and your bride, it’s also the wrong question. That’s because the unstated goal of the question is “How do I know if she’s the one … for me.”

The question frames the entire decision-making process in fundamentally self-oriented — if not downright selfish — terms. And it puts the woman on an extended trial to determine whether or not she meets your needs, fits with your personality, and satisfies your desires. It places you at the center of the process, in the role of a window-shopper, or consumer at a buffet. In this scenario you remain unexamined, unquestioned, and unassailable — sovereign in your tastes and preferences and judgments.”

As you could probably guess Kevin was drawing a comparison to the way a single Christian would seek out who is “right” for him and how often believers do the same exact thing when it comes to the local church. Instead the message being “Stop Test-Driving Your Girlfriend” it became “Stop Test-Driving Your Church!” Kevin then, after reading and explaining the article said this, “We treat the church like a WHORE!” He went on to say (paraphrased) that we take what we need from the church and move on.

I express all that to say that I cannot believe that in myself that I had the purest of motives for wanting to leave Kansas City and with it Midtown Community Church. When I was seeking counsel with “me”, “myself”, and “I” about this for the last 5-6 weeks about feeling desirous of leaving I found that all of “my” advice and words sounded great, were heartfelt, humble, and desirous of God’s will over my own. The reality is that I was in it for me most of all (go figure) and the other things like church or God fell down the line somewhere else in the mix with fantasy baseball, prayer, reading, movie watching, work and ministry. Basically I was saying, “Thanks for the hefty serving but I’m moving on to get, what could be, a heftier serving.”

You see, I had a plan to leave for St. Louis to hopefully be a part of the pastoral internship program with The Journey while becoming a member. In the coming years I would plan to move on to the residency program while driving down to Nashville once a month starting next fall for a Masters of Missional Leadership with Re: Train and by the grace and mercy of God be in a position to be a part of planting a church. I would be committing myself to the church the way I should have when I was in St. Louis but the great irony is that I would be breaking commitment to this pre-launched church plant to be committed to a church I was so afraid of committing to while there for 1 1/2 years! I guess the blunt phrase would be “fear of being tied down” and making it difficult to move on if “God” called me elsewhere.

So there it is, my heart, which is putridly full of ME which was salted with bitterness and peppered with wanting change! From the words of wisdom given to me by Adam Christensen, I will be attempting to “reverse this trend of discontentment” + non-commitment + feeding frenzy by seeking answers through God’s word, through prayer, through the Holy Spirit, and through the local church community. I thought I had 1 leg (Holy Spirit) and was reaching for the other 3 when it came to “my decision of leaving” but fell far short of having those under me.

To be continued…

Where is…? Part 1: Family

If some of you were unaware, the past 12 months have been crazy different from the previous 4 years. It seems like I’ve had to make decision after decision about where I would go? What I would do? Where is the evidence that I should be here over there? Where is church/family/John Barnes/God in all of it? It has all been stressful, painful, sinful, disastrous, wonderful, joyful, grace filled, and darn right Sovereignly planned in every detail.

This past Saturday (July 24th) I had convinced myself that the best thing for myself, my current church, and for God’s kingdom was for me to leave Kansas City and move back to St. Louis. While there I would begin this mission of growing closer to my biological family (who is there…Dad, Mary, and my two nieces Liz and Reni) through service and more intentional face time in pursuit of letting them more into how I live life and what my vision is for being a member of the body of Christ. I believe that over the last 3+ years that I’ve done a really good job of separating myself (physically, emotionally, and spiritually) from my family and have not allowed Jesus Christ be the one to do that. You see Christ makes this startling statement in Luke 12:49-53:

“I came to cast fire on the earth, and would that it were already kindled! I have a baptism to be baptized with, and how great is my distress until it is accomplished! Do you think that I have come to give peace on earth? No, I tell you but rather division. For from now on in one house there iwll be five divided, three against two and two against three. They will be divided father against son and son against father, mother against daughter and daughter against mother, mother-in-law against her daughter-in-law and daughter-in-law against mother-in-law.”

From that statement I formulated this vision or idea of doing what I could to make the Gospel the dividing force in my life and that it should finally start with my family. If I’m going to walk as though the Gospel unites then I need to live as though it can divide as well. Now believe me when I say this, I did not and do not believe that it is an easy task nor that the greatest of things would come of it.  I do not believe that because I would be running out there with “Gospel” that all the sudden things would just fall into place and that my family and I would be holding hands, singing camp fire songs, and live happily ever after. From my side, I only see failure and much weeping but then again, I haven’t been the most confident of folks nor the most positive. Some call it cynicism or realism. Others call it depression. What I call it is “I don’t know what the frick to be, do, see, have, want, or need!”

I’ll end this post by saying on Saturday morning through Adam Christensen’s (lead pastor of Midtown Community Church) counsel to me, a decision was made that I would stay in Kansas City with MCC in pursuit of seeking out what God’s plan is for my life rather then what is John Barnes’ plan is for his life.  Through Adam’s counsel a mirror was shoved in my face. What it revealed was discontentment + fear + quitting + feeding = SELFISHNESS! You might be thinking, “Well, everything you said above about your family sounded right, heartfelt, and honorable. How has this turned into selfishness?” It’s quite simple really…my heart cannot be trusted in this decision because I believe there to be ulterior motives.

To be continued…

A Post for the Sake of Posting

It always appears that I’m about make a new post but always end up thinking, “Well that sounds stupid!” or “Man that sounds so uneducated!” It’s actually quite funny when you think about it because there have been several occasions where I spent like a good hour or two trying to come up with something that gels well from beginning to end and then Poof! it’s gone to the trash. So this is my breakout post. Hope you liked it!